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An Evening of Bumwine or We Never Learn

I’ve always had a fascination with skid row alcohol, starting with my first bottle of Thunderbird wine when I was 20. Joking around about it with Chris from Morbidpig, one of us came up with the bright idea of having a bum wine tasting party.

The two of us perused the wine selections of the finest Gas Stations and Mission area Liquor stores across the US and came up with our selection.

Black Cherry Cisco

Wine #1 : Black Cherry Cisco

Chemicals, that’s the best word I can use to describe the smell of opening up a bottle of this crap. It made me queasy while we were pouring it. The taste is unbelievably discordant, a mixture of melted records, cough syrup,vodka and more cheap grain alcohol, just for good measure.

I accidently managed to give myself a Texas sized portion of this junk. Thinning out my last gulp with tonic water made it milder. When we were done, I noticed my head was spinning terribly, this was my first drink. My “after beer” was the best beer I ever had.

Over All Rating: F “Out of my House you spawn of Satan!”

Wine #2 :MD 2020

“Mad Dog” 2020 has a reputation that precedes itself; most people know it by name. I don’t have an appreciation for red wine but MD 2020 is actually not half bad. Chris even had a second helping. I’m not going to bring it to my next family function or anything but it was a refreshing change from Cisco.

Over All Rating: C- “The prettiest girl in the bar”

Wine #3: Thunderbird


Ah, the American classic, I’ve had this bottle for as long as I can remember, so it’s a nice vintage. I had forgotten just how rough a wine Thunderbird really is mostly because it looks so pleasant. A bastard product of the Gallo wineries, Thunderbird has a strong kick and it burns all the way down. Comes in a bottle, belongs in a mason jar. At this point, I was feeling no pain.


Over All Rating: D “This bird pooped in it's own nest ”

Wine #4: Strawberry Cisco


Chris had purchased three bottles of this, possibly the most insipid flavor ever. If either of us had forgotten the Cisco of earlier this was gut punch to our memory. Not only is this the worst wine ever, it makes you feel like you’re licking a Strawberry car air freshener. I was smarter this time and poured myself less, it still felt like gallons.


Over All Rating: F- “Tastes like the blue stuff you dip combs in ”

The Hangover

Despite my taking three Chaser pills and a dozen glasses of water, the hangover the next day was one of the worst in memory. Not only the usual queasy feeling, there was an air of malaise that I could not shake. This stuff was actually messing with my mind. I also started to feel worse as the day wore on, pretty powerful for what equated to two coffee cups of discount wine.

Chris had similar experiences the next day and we both agreed that this in one idea we’re not going to repeat. Unless we find a bottle of vintage ripple that is....

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